Jumped in with feet-first here, in a way. I’ve neglected to really update, like any normal person would who has returned from a long absence.
Life, in general, has been okay. I vacillate between feeling relatively high and wanting to saw my wrists with a knife. The medication makes me feel bratty, confused, fat – this last is not just a feeling, it is a reality. The lower third of my abdomen is like an old man’s paunch; I wear long shirts to hide this protuberance that is very prominent in jeans. My metabolism is permanently asleep. I forget things on the counter at home; notes don’t always assist me to remember. My insomnia is gone, but I still awake in the morning feeling like I was run over by a truck. I become uncomfortably warm, almost to the point of blacking out, so that I must sit in front of a fan to cool down. There are mornings where I am constantly cold.
And yet. And yet.
The doctor says I am doing better, so I forge ahead; my numbers have improved. I see him again next Monday and perhaps my dosage will decrease.
Going to Moffitt always kills me; most of my fellow patients are worse off than me. For you see, it’s a cancer center, and thankfully, that is something I do not have; this doctor came very highly recommended and he just so happens to specialize in thyroid diseases as well as oncology.
Last time I sat in the blood draw lab, idly rubbing my adhesive hospital bracelet around, pretending not to hear the woman behind me who wanted to give up. Her children were with her, stricken at her vehemence. “I don’t want the fucking chemo,” she barked. “What is the goddamned point? I’m going to die anyway, so why go through all of that shit?” I stared more intently at the television in front of me, willing myself not to cry, not to whip around in my seat and say, “It’s none of my business, ma’am, I know, but it’s obvious you still have things to live for; you have to TRY.” Her daughters echoed my silent sentiments; she stalked off to have her blood drawn, and I heard their whispered conference – who could talk some sense into her? She was still very young yet.
